WOW its been forever since I have been here or updated anything. I am going to start checking in more, updating this journal, and uploading more art. The art on here is OLD. Very old. So keep checking back!

For some time now I have been wanting to be on staff as an artist for a pet site. I tried to be head artist at one site...but it was too much pressure and I had to leave. BUT! I have been accepted as an item artist on a new site that will be opening soon (before Christmas I think).

I want you all to come see me there and check out the forums! Register early and get in on the fun!

[link] <--------CLICKY!

BTW my user name there is Jade

This morning I woke once again from the same dream. For the past four years I have been having the same dreams, night after night and I don't know how to make them stop. I'm actually in tears this morning because of them. I don't know what to do, I just want them to go away.

The dreams aren't graphic or anything, they aren't nightmares per say, just disturbing to me.

Four years ago I split with my Ex after being together for 3 years. It wasn't a pretty break-up and I haven't spoken to him since. But it seems like every night, I dream about him. It isnt always the same dream, its always different, but he is always there. He could just be walking by me on the street, or he could be the center of attention in my dream. Sometimes I'm chasing him down the street, just trying to talk to him but he always slips away and doesn't say a word. Other times were at his house, with his mother and brother, doing general activities. And sometimes, he kisses me, nothing too sexual, just a kiss or a touch. In one dream he even apologized for hurting me then disappeared.

I feel so guilty about these dreams. Shortly after the break up, I met my husband and have been with him ever since. He gives me no reason to be unhappy or unfaithful, and I certainly don't want to be unfaithful. These dreams just make me feel unfaithful to him. Why don't I dream of my husband instead of a guy who broke my heart all those years ago?

Sometimes my husband is in the dreams. Or this guy takes the form of my husband, but I know it is still him. In the dream I had last night this guy had won the lottery and invited me to his home where he lived with his mother. I was there and I felt guilty for being there because my husband didn't know where I was. I felt unfaithful in my dream and I knew If my husband found out where I was all hell would break loose. But actually, in this dream, my husband did find out where I was, he came storming in the house and was heading straight for my ex, determined to kill him. I tried to stop him but couldn't, then to my shock, they came out from the other room laughing and patting one another on the back. They were friends! And this made me more furious than anything. I didn't want them to be friends. I didn't want them anywhere near each other. So I left and was sitting in a lawn chair, in the dark, at the edge of my ex's lawn. (which was HUGE with trees, a pond and fireflies every where) As I sat distraught about their friendship I saw my husband walking towards me and he asked me why I was upset. But before I could respond I woke up.

And when my husband came home this morning all I wanted to do was cling to him. I told him I had a weird dream, I didn't tell him the extent of it, but I told him that I dreamed him and my ex were friends. All he said was that would never happen and it was dropped.

-heavy sigh-

I just want the dreams to stop. I cannot contact my ex, I just can't. I'm afraid too. I don't want to hear what he might say, or what I might say. I don't even know what I would say to him even if I did talk to him. And I sure as hell don't want my husband to know if I contact him. After all the stuff I told my husband about my ex (bad bad stuff) he wants to choke the guy because he hurt me so bad. That and he would want to know why on earth I'm talking to him.

Eck...all this has got my stomach twisted in a knot.

I need a cigarette...

Haha, -poot- I love that. If your wondering what it is then watch the South Park Movie with subtitles.

Come to think of it...you should watch all movies with the subtitles on. You catch things that you missed before and they have clever ways of describing background noise. Like in one movie we were watching, someone had diarrhea and the subtitles said -shit splattering in toilet- ROTFL I swear to you that's what it said! Why on earth would I make that up? o.O

Anyhoo, my life has been better this month than it has in the past four years. My hubby changed jobs and he is now home every night and off every weekend. No more of him being gone for a week at a time and missing holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. He is much happier and less stressed which had improved our marriage ten fold. Plus he is making more monies which makes things easier.

Ninja is growing and has become more playful. She loves to wrestle your hand and tackle your feet. So her name suits her well.
She is also a lover
Every night she sleeps in bed with us, which was a big adjustment since no other pet that we have had has been allowed in the bed. But she has earned it. I think she will be the kitty we keep for years to come. The other kitties we have had just didnt work out...but Ninja is different. ^^

I took Andrew (my son) to the pool last week. His first time there and my first time in a bathing suit since I had him. He was precious and I was hideous! LOL I was the whitest one there. Everyone else was nice and tan and here I was, a white whale in the kiddy pool. Hell, even the kids were more tan than I was! -hangs head- I need to get out more. But at least I didnt look like that one woman I saw there. She was so tan I thought she was African American. But nope, just that tan. Can we say skin cancer?!

Well, my diet ended. Yeah who didn't see that coming a mile away? What with Kevin being home all the time its hard to diet. I spend the day cleaning (so he doesnt have to come home to a pig sty) and chasing the baby. Then when he gets home, he takes over the living room with his PS3, laptop, and game shows. No time or room for exercise. And the bedroom is too small for all the jumping and kicking and sweating and grunting. Well, there is some grunting and sweating that goes on up there..but that's not for you kiddies to know about! HA! I did manage to lose 15lbs and keep it off so it wasnt a total waste I guess. ^^

Oh its dinner time! Gotta go whip up some Sky-line Chili Coneys for my boys! Tootles!

-poot-

-grumbles to herself-
So I started a diet right? and I have really been sticking to it. I have cut out soda and candy and have replaced it with water and fruit. Instead of stuffing my face until I am full, I have started eating smaller portions and drinking lots of water with my meals to fill me up. I also have myself on an eating schedule. Breakfast at 9am, Lunch at Noon, Snack at 3pm and dinner at 6pm. -glances at clock- Oh god! I have an hour to go and I am STARVING!

Well, on top of my dieting I have been doing this workout video that I bought like two years ago that I just took out of the wrapper. It is the work out that they used on the show The Biggest Loser so it is suppose to work. I have been going it for a little over a week now, and I have lost about 3 lbs. I know that doesnt sound like a lot, but I feel better physically. I dont just flop around the house all day. I get up, clean house, play with the baby, play a game or two on the computer, then exercise. Sure I need a nap after that but I will get use to all this activity. ^^ No more sitting on my rump in front of the computer all day! Sure my commissions have suffered, but...you all can wait! XD

On top of this lifestyle change, we have a new member in the family now. No no, Im not pregnant...oh wait...when was my last period anyway? -scratches head- Nevermind, what was I saying? On yes! The new member of our family. A few days ago my hubby took me to walmart and told me to get all the stuff we need for a new kitty. I was so surprised! I grabbed everything we needed plus some cute toys and we headed out to pick up a kitten from this lady that was giving them away.

I picked this sweet little black kitty and fell in love in a second! She is so cute and playful. She loves to run and pounce. We spent all day thinking of a name and I finally decided on Ninja. Yes, I named a female cat Ninja, and no Im not mental. I think its an adorable name! You would agree if she put her kitty ninja moves on you! She sneaks around in the dark and pounces when your unaware! Beware of Ninja!

Ok...wrists hurt...carpal tunnel is setting in.